Cluttered

clut-ter: to fill or cover with scattered or disordered things that impede movement or reduce effectiveness.

That's how I feel this morning - my life is cluttered.  It's a shame too because I've always taken great pride in being organized.  At my last job everything was completed, filed away, and my desk was clean by the end of the day.  Now, I can't seem to wrap my head around anything.

I got up this morning and looked at our kitchen counters - cluttered, our bedroom - cluttered, our washer - broken!  Great morning....

The thing that gets me most about the definition above is "that impede movement or reduce effectiveness."  That is how I have been feeling lately.  That my world is so out of control and everything is so cluttered that I am of no use to God right now.  I believe this chaos mostly has to do with my new job and learning to work with a spontaneous schedule.  Just when I feel like I have something down, something else pops up and I start all over.

No matter what the reason is, I don't like.  I don't like feeling cluttered, I don't like being disorganized, I don't like feeling out of control.  I can't seem to sit down and rest in the Lord because I am running nowhere in every direction! 

(that was actually the title of a book I read in college, good book - maybe I should pick it back up)

So the sermons at our church the past couple of weeks have been addressing the cost of following Jesus.  Our pastor/elder/preacher has been challenging us to ask the big question of, "what have I given up to follow Jesus" and "what now, what else does He require of me to truly follow hard after Him?"  A lot of people have been tossed upside down by this question and are feeling led to pray about making some big changes in their lives. 

My struggle with it all is that I sat in church last night feeling like I was missing something.  To be honest, we have missed the past couple of sermons - due to childcare and work (we can touch on that more later).  But we did listen to the online podcasts and still feel like we're missing something.  I know a lot of the families are struggling with the question of whether or not they should take in a Haitian orphan and a lot of the students are struggling with the question of why they're studying what they are studying and pursuing in life.  But is there another big issue that was addressed, or is the Spirit just working hard in each person individually?

I can't say I feel content with where we are, there is always something more we can be doing.  But I do feel that right now, we are very much living a life of sacrifice.  I don't mean to sound like we're holier than everyone else and have it all figured out, because we don't.  But our lifestyle right now honestly leaves me asking, "what more, Lord?"  We're already squeezing four people into a tiny 1100 sq ft townhome that we pay less than $500 a month for.  We've cut one of our incomes so Jeff can go back to school, which we 100% believe is from the Lord.  I've recently taken a job that pays me next to nothing in order to live by faith and trust that God will provide.  And we've been waiting patiently to have a baby for the past couple of years that I'm starting to think won't come along until after Jeff is done with school.

Now can we spend our time differently?  Sure!  We can watch Friends less and go help the poor and needy with our free time.  I know very few non-ComChurch goers so I could be very challenged to go out and meet some new people (that's a hard area for me).  We don't have a lot of money, but what we do have does not always get spent in the best ways.  I'm constantly dreaming about the future and find it very hard to be content with my current situation (something that I do believe God is challenging me to stop doing).

But I still don't know if there is something bigger, something more "spiritual" that God is calling us to do.  When I look at our lives, I do see that we live differently than most of the world but we certainly don't live like Shane Claiborne.  Should we?

So what, God?  What more can we do?  We desire more than anything to chase after the one only way of living that is real and we will leave everything behind.  We ask that You would reveal to us those areas that we hold too tightly and any places of our hearts that need to be tugged on.  Thank You for grace!